Wow dad, you are one god damn good fucking liar.

1. Your story is that you're making someone feel better about a families hardship by leading a woman on. You tell her you love her and you'd leave your wife for her. Yet, you don't tell your wife that last part.

2. The real story is you have sex with other women still. And I honestly don't believe a word of that crap that comes out of your mouth.

I don't how gullible or stupid your wife is to believe you. Clearly she doesn't know the real you. You're a pig, an ass, a dirty disgusting human being. I am so truly ashamed to be your daughter.

You'd do ALL of that for a woman you work with, yet when your own family is going through hell you leave them behind? You are disgusting. PURE filth. You are a huge reason the whole Robinson family has gone to shit. You never once defended your own family, only kept up with your slut. You can not say that you would help a stranger out and not your own family. DISGUSTING. I really honestly hate you, I truly wish I wasn't your daughter. I wish I was never in this fucked up family. You cheated on my mom. You cheat on your wife and are apparently getting away with it. Am I the only one who sees the truth? I guess I lived with you longer than mom ever did, and your wife has yet to live with you. Hah, well one day people will see you for who you really are, a disgusting human.

And again, I went back to you. 5 times...god damn. This MUST be a record.
I like you. Fuck you, but I do like you.
You remembered tiny details..and that was the best thing ever. Ugh.
I fucking hate your guts. Why do you have to be so wonderful?
And yet so awful.
CLEARLY you don't want a relationship. You want to rave and party,
get high, drunk, and roll.
You're 20, you want to hook up with random girls and go clubbing.
I understand.
Please go and have fun.
I know that those things you do are bad, and are a bad influence.
But everything else about you redeems that.
Why do I like you?
I want to forget you...and I try to, but then I feel guilt.
I just know I can't feel the same way about someone else that I do about you.
Do I want to move on? No.
Do I regret what we are? No.
Do I dislike myself after we hookup? Yes.
It's almost been a year since we've met, and it's been hell, but it's been a pleasure to know you.
It's a challenge.
I literally don't know how to explain how you make me feel. I hate you but I don't. I want to forget you but I also don't.
You are just one big bunch of contradictions.
Gah.

Wow, it's been 5 years since I was sent to Hawaii...
I have come SO far.
I'm about to finish my freshman year of college.
Finals start tomorrow.
Exactly 5 years ago to this day, I never would of thought this would happen.

Things may not be 100% better, but I couldn't ask for anything more.
I've met some of the greatest people in the world.

Things I never thought possible:
- graduating high school
- getting accepted to college (every one I applied to)
- actually going to college
- dorming
- joining a sorority
- making new, REAL friends
- having a boyfriend, even if it didn't work out
- meeting a guy I really liked and not having it work out
- leading a retreat
- tutoring someone in sign language
- reuniting with my family

I don't celebrate Thanksgiving. I don't find it significant to me as a day to be thankful for. Today, however, marks 5 years of finding myself after being lost. After quitting school and being sent to a theraputic boarding school. After day to day fights with my family. After cutting and suicidal thoughts.

Life takes time, learn to appreciate what you have. Take life as you get it. Take nothing for granted. Life is a gift. I am proud to be alive, and proud to be where I am today. I still struggle with my family and other aspects of my life every day, but where I am now...I NEVER thought this would be possible, not in a million years. I don't know if I could ever explain what hitting rock bottom felt like and how different things are now, but I am so happy with life. It may not always seem like it, but I am.

Life is a struggle. But without the struggle, it's not worth it. I'd rather be able to say I overcame obstacles than be handed something. Life is beautiful.

5 years past, and many more to come.

I want to forget you, but I also want to remember you.
Everything about you. I can't forget and I don't want to.

I actually want to thank you. You may be a dick, but you helped me forget him and not really care if we don't speak. So I feel like I have a fresh start. Feels good man.

You're cycling and every thought in your mind is gone.
You forget every bad thought that was in your head and are content with the world.
:)

in a nutshell

-hard worker
-future marine
-good person
-hot as fuck
-tattoo
-intelligent
-kind
-take nothing for granted
-have a big heart
-want real relationships with real people
-have a beautiful smile
-dedicated
-family oriented
-polite
-gentleman
-funny
-sing badly, but it's cute
-care about your health
-do whatever it takes to accomplish your goals
-determined
-passionate
-have an amazing smile
-have a hint of a southern accent
-organized
-daring


...I could go on and on. Why are you so wonderful?
Your one flaw? You don't want a relationship because you just had your heart broken..ugh. We have SO MUCH in common and want the same things.

Me: I'm not having sex with you.
Him: Ok.
Me: Good, so you're not upset?
Him: Nope.
Me: Okay :)
Him: So tomorrow you can come over and watch me jack off.
Me: ...

Him: Stay over tomorrow night.
Me: Okay, but I'm not having sex with you.
Him: Okay.
Me: So what are we going to do?
Him: I'll see you Sunday instead.
Me: Just because I don't want to have sex?
Him: No we could watch tv. But don't come over now.
Me: You make no sense.
Him: Neither do you.

Have I not been clear about what I want, or to say don't want to have happen at all? So who is the one that doesn't make sense?? Ughhh.

Nothing you say or do makes any sense anymore. What do you want from me? First, you want me to like your wife. You did the exact same thing to me that grandpa did to you, only you accepted it. With grandpa, I was never given a choice as to how to react, and I understand, I was only 8 or 9 then which is much too young to understand anything that was happening. But now I'm 19, I'm an adult and am old enough to make my own opinions. Grandpa remarried and put his new family before his real family. Because of that I lost my cousins, aunt, and uncle, and a real family. You made the choice for me to accept his actions as okay. But now that I've been through it and understand what happened, I disagree with it all. You got remarried and put this other family before your own. I'm your daughter and you didn't care at all. You left me on New Years last year and Christmas..you let your wife hit me and defend her "innocence." But now, you're cheating on her? And you still want me to accept her? You make me sick. You're a pig. I am so ashamed to call you my father. You cheat and lie to get what you want. You talk to this new person about me and I don't like this at all. I feel physically sick just thinking about how disgusting you are. No one believed me when I said you cheated on her. And now I have proof, real proof. But I am not such a horrible person where I would show your wife. She has to find out on her own and from your emails it seems like she knows something is up. But how can you put me through this? You put me in such a horrible position! I hate you for that. I am so ashamed to be your daughter, it's embarrassing. You disgust me so much. You're yelling at me for not liking your wife when you cheat on her? and I can't do shit about it! It's sick. There is something seriously wrong with you, you really need help. I'm being put in a situation that I have no control over but can affect and change my whole life. I feel like I have no control over my life again. And all of this shit I type..it can't express anything I really feel. I want to tell your wife, I want to bust you and hurt you and make you feel like shit just like you've done to me all these years, but I'm not that bad of a person. Plus you'd hate me, though I don't know why. You think you have some perfect reputation at work, but no one really knows how trashy you are. And the fact that this new person's family can accept that you BOTH are cheating on your families, not just your spouses but your family's...it's absolutely disgusting. Why on earth would I ever even WANT to accept something so sick as your relationship? It makes me want to vomit. If I could cut off my whole life from you I wouldn't be upset, the only thing is I depend on you to pay for my college and whole livliehood. Fuck..I hate you and everything you've put me through. Do you have any idea how unfair the past 4 years of my life have been now?!?! You've put me through so many situations that I couldn't handle and for what? You to cheat on that whole reason?? Betrayal doesn't even come close to explaining this...I hate you. I really am ashamed to be your daughter.

I feel numb.
Part of me feels this is my imagination running wild.
But another part can tell something's different.
I always thought I knew how I'd act in this situation,
but now, I'm unsure.
I don't know what I'd want if this were true.
Or what you would want.
Part of me hopes it's true,
but another part knows how wrong that is.
Only time will tell.


We're interrupted by the heat of the sun,
Trying to prevent what's already begun.

Why don't you be the writer?
And decide the words I say.
Cause I'd rather pretend
I'll still be there in the end
Only it's too hard to ask,
Won't you try to help me?